She said, as she returned to the living room only a few steps from the bathroom, “You left the seat up again.”
He said, “Uh-huh.”
She said, “You just can’t have the common courtesy to place it down, can you?”
He said nothing. Conversation died.
She said, “So now you close down the lid. What’s the reason for putting down the lid?”
He said, “Is there a reason not to?”
She said, “Idiot. Neither of us needs to have to lift the lid …”
He said, “And the seat.”
She said, “Neither of us needs to lift the lid so why put it down.”
He said nothing, Conversation died.
She said, “You left the lid up again.”
He said nothing.
She said, “Didn’t you hear me?”
He said nothing.
She said, “Talk to me, damnit!”
He said, “Okay, why should I put the lid back down?”
She said, “Because I don’t like to go in there and put my ass down on that nasty bowl. I feel like I have to take a shower!”
He said, “Okay, so I should put the lid down for your convenience?”
She said, “It’s not just convenience. It’s really inconsiderate of you not to put it down.”
He said, “Because you can’t remember to put it up before you sit?”
She said nothing. He continued.
He said, “So let me get this straight, you’re never sure if you can remember to check to see if the seat is up before you sit because you wait until you just can’t hold it any longer before you get up to go. Is that why?”
She said, “Well, that’s a part of it. Sometimes I do.”
He said, “But sometimes you don’t?”
She said, “Sometimes I don’t. I suppose most of the time I’m not about to wet my pants, if that’s what you mean.”
He changed the subject, slightly.
He said, “So what If I forget to put the seat up in the first place?”
She said, “Oooh! That’s gross. You do that sometimes when you’ve had too much beer and … just … Ooh! … No.
He said, “So, there’s always a chance, if I don’t raise the lid … that I will pee on the seat … even if I don’t realize it … in which case I would wipe it off with some toilet paper … but I should raise the lid to prevent that occurrence. And then when I finish, I should always remember to put the seat back down so you don’t sit your warm tushy down on the cold porcelain?”
She said, “Yes.” , sheepishly.
He said, “Okay … I got it straight … I always remember to put it up so I don’t piss on it … And I always remember to put it back down so you don’t come in contact with the cold porcelain … Does that about cover it?”
She said, “Yes. That is the courteous thing to do. Men have always done that for women since the flush toilet and toilet seat were invented.”
He said, “I won’t ask what the protocol was when there was only a hole in the floor.”
She flipped him the bird.
He said, “So you’re admitting that men are smarter than women.”
She said, “I’m admitting no such thing. How do you get that from this conversation.
He said, “It’s very simple. I put it up so I don’t piss on it and cause you to sit on it and then I put it back down so you don’t sit on the cold porcelain. If I always do that, doesn’t that make me smarter. Men don’t forget. Women apparently do.”
She said nothing.
She said … He Said … She Said … He Said …